


Interference

by SpookyStar29



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Heartbreak, Reconsiliation?, Troubles, guesses, thePast, what_if, whatmighthavehappened
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-04-03 17:35:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 18,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21494098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyStar29/pseuds/SpookyStar29
Summary: * A study of Mibbs-moments *What might have happened, what could have happened, how things could have worked out, how both of them had felt, and … yes, a happy ending.
Relationships: Jethro Gibbs/Hollis Mann
Comments: 17
Kudos: 29





	1. LJG

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, hello, it's me again.  
Actually uni is keeping me hella busy … I wouldnt have expected to spend like 10 hours every week in the library in the FIRST Semester, but hey, that's how Sociology works (apparently)  
But I wont complain. Because there actually isnt any reason to.  
And there is always the time for NCIS, and writing, and Fanfictions. Even if its past midnight. But, hey, I'm an owl-personality anyways, so … why not use creative phases?
> 
> So enough with me and my selfevaluation.  
here you go. I've been rewatching almost every ep with them in and started realizing that we actually almost know nothing about Hollis' and Gibbs' relationship.  
And I decided to change that. 
> 
> Hope you'll have fun with this one, too : ) 
> 
> (to all who dont know me, I'm a HUGE Slibbs shipper, too, so … I'm not doing this  
to offend anyone)

“Counting you Agent Gibbs, that makes seven.” 

His first thought after Sharif had called had been: Hollis.   
His heart skipped a beat as the realization hit him like a truck. The gas was somewhere near him, maybe in his house, or his car, he had no idea. The basement, maybe. The place didn’t matter, at least not now. What matter was the fact she had been with him, all the time. So that meant … or it could mean … 

Eight.   
Eight instead of seven. 

He literally ran up the stairs, chasing after her.   
The mighty Gibbs chasing after a woman.

“Hey!”, he called after barely opening the door. Hollis, already standing next to her car, turned around. Confusion was written all over her face. Confusion and … something else. Something he really shouldn’t think about right now.   
That had been the first time he realized he cared about her. Or better – that he really cared about her. That he didn’t just respect her. There … was something else.   
But right now, all that mattered was that both of them got to a doctor - as fast as possible.


	2. HM

A lot of things had happened to her in active duty. She had been shot at, had been deaf for almost two months due to a bombing she had been to close at, she had had a life threatening surgery, and overall seen things she still couldn’t completely forget about.   
But being dragged to NCIS to be looked over by a medical examiner who was actually used to dead people by one certain Leroy Jethro Gibbs who was scared they both had been exposed to Sharif’s gas … that was something knew. 

She liked surprises, honestly. Maybe that was what appealed her about him – no matter what, he always did something unexpected. And usually she was really good at detecting stuff like that.   
Not with him.   
And she didn’t feel the slightest annoyed.

They didn’t speak much on their way back to headquarters. Hollis’ felt anxious – and she wasn’t used to that. It wasn’t only because of the fact that their lifes maybe were in danger. It was the fact that she was sitting in her car, with him, after talking about something very SPECIFIC.   
She had always been straight forward and direct and had already realized, even though this was only the first time they had met, she had already figured she didn’t need to use velvet gloves with him. He didn’t speak much. But his body language did and revealed much more than he would possibly want her to know.   
Her rank was higher than his, though. She knew he knew, but she wasn’t one to rub it under his nose. She didn’t need that power play … even though it was kind of … exciting.   
As usual she covered it up, covered up her slight insecurity which seemed more like … yeah, what exactly was it? Maybe the best description was hope. 

But hope for what? 

Ducky was already expecting them, Gibbs had called him on their way back to headquarters. Something about the fact that he had let her drive she appreciated.   
The moment the older man closed the door and locked it behind them, she realized it. And it made her blood boil and the hairs in her neck stand up.   
She needed to get rid of her clothes.   
Here.   
Underground in a room full of dead bodies and a very specific agent and his, how she had come to observe, best friend. IF Leroy Jethro Gibbs had something like that.   
Ducky changed looks between them, seeming almost reluctant. She couldn’t blame him a bit. She guessed he wasn’t necessarily used to examine living people, and more over not an army-colonel who had been over at Gibbs’.   
They’d be the main topic of gossip if his agents would ever find out. And THAT she really needn’t.

“Okay”, he spoke in his soft, calming tone, eyes still darting back and forth. “So who of you …”  
“She goes first.”   
Him being a gentleman and caring about her brought a smile to her face and a feeling spreading through her body which was completely inappropriate in that situation.   
And the next second, just as her hands moved to her shirt after she had taken off her boots, she stirred. Her heart beat nervously. She turned around and opened her mouth, thinking about how she should articulate herself, as he answered her question himself by turning around. She closed her lips again, smiled.   
She was shivering and couldn’t hide it. She had always been a summer-girl, couldn’t stand the cold. And in her opinion, it was freezing in here.   
“Sorry Colonel”, Ducky said the next moment. Of course he made out her goosebumps, and the way her hands rubbed over her arms almost instinctively.   
She forced a smile. “The temperature’s not your fault, Doctor. I just hope it won’t take long.”  
Ducky smiled, too. “I’m sure it won’t.” He stepped closed, gathering all the stuff he needed, stuff whose names Hollis would never be able to remember.   
She bit her lip. She hadn’t been this anxious or insecure in years. “Do I need to …” She tapped against the strap of her bra. Ducky, understanding immediately, shook his head. “No, you can keep it on.”   
A smirk appeared on his lips. “I guess in that case I would have send you to your army-doctor, since that would have crossed a line.”  
She couldn’t help but chuckle and shook her head, amused by his kind of always appropriate charm.   
“Come on Duck, please!”, Gibbs’ gruff voice barked through the room. Hollis met Doctor Mallard’s eyes, nodding. 

She knew she hadn’t mistaken, and she knew she wasn’t wrong. She had a good ability to read between the lines – the way people delivered their words and sentences often gave a much more meaningful about the real message behind it than the content itself.   
And in Gibbs’ voice had been something else – a shift, a tiny, almost non-recognizable shift. But it was there.   
Concern. 

They came in as she had pulled up the zipper of her boot and Gibbs buttoned up his shirt. Ziva David and Abby Sciuto had been waiting behind the door, impatiently wanting her boss to be cleared ok.   
Luckily, they were. Despite the cold she was still trying to shake off which had made itself a comfortable home in her body.

But that cold had probably been the only thing keeping her mind of off constantly replaying the option she had contemplated staring at the grey wall while Gibbs was being looked over. 

What would have happened if she had just kissed him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I have rewatched "Sharif Returns" for the tenth time now haha


	3. LJG

He barely remembered the way the shots had echoed through the small bathroom.   
He barely even remembered how Sharif fell to the ground, defeated, powerless.   
He remember the nausea, the way the world was spinning before his eyes, how his body grew numb.   
The only thing which was crystal clear, the only picture he could recall as if it had happened just seconds ago, was her hovering above him and looking at him. Smiling at him.   
He had just stared back, as if nothing else mattered. Because in this situation, she was his lifeline. 

She was beautiful, that wasn’t a debate. She had a lovely smile, a smile which kinda didn’t fit at all into her army-demeanor and the bossiness she exuded whenever she was wearing it. The way her eyes had glimmered in the dim, amber light in his basement, the twist of her lip. 

Jenny had green eyes, too. Darker, almost like a deep dark emerald. Forest green.   
Hollis’ were completely different. Light, almost as light so he hadn’t been sure what exactly the color was at the beginning. Light and blazing, glowing almost, as if there was a fire burning behind her iris that turned the green into this magnificent, yet bewildering color. Bright and big and expressive, light.   
Spring green maybe. Or mint. 

No.   
He knew what it was. 

Army-green. The color of her ACUs reflected just exactly the color of her eyes, and it was daunting and provocative and gorgeous as hell.   
She was an army-woman through and through. 

And as he was lying in the hospital bed, waiting to be released, he made up his mind.   
She had saved his life. He owed her.   
Maybe it was true. Maybe even Marines needed heroes. His had just come with a silver leaf on her uniform.   
And now, it was time for action.


	4. HM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little fluff-smut following :)

The kiss had started out tentative, testing, and sweet. She hadn’t had a kiss like that in a very long time.  
Now they were simply staring at each other. Their smiles had faded long before, now everything between them was just silence, and tension, and something else she didn’t dare to describe. She tried to read his face, his expression, waited for him to answer her question.  
“If I’d tell ya”, he then said, voice low. “It wouldn’t be a secret anymore.”  
She tilted her head. “Well”, she started, her own voice silent, too. “I guess either I need to go on staring at you until you do tell me, or …”  
“Let’s just say that I know what I’m doin’”, he cut her off with a soft tone.  
She fixed her eyes on him. “Oh that I’m sure about.”  
The air between them was strained it almost could be torn apart. Hollis’ eyes darted while she was working on trying to make a rhyme out of the look in his face. His blue eyes bore into hers and suddenly she felt she barely couldn’t breathe anymore.  
Realizing he wouldn’t be the one to say anything, she cleared her throat. “So.” God when did her voice get so low and throaty? “That “thank you” all why you’re here?”  
He swallowed. There was something strangely attractive about how he was looking at her. “Actually …” She saw his eyes darken. “No.” 

Her heart beat faster.  
There was no need for words. They both were mature and old enough not to be shy around the subject, and they both knew the other knew. Hollis bit her lip and she enjoyed the immediate reaction that move had on him.  
And finally he leaned in – but not to kiss her. Hollis held her breath as his lips touched her throat. Her lids fluttered shut, she couldn’t help it. That bastard had found one of her trigger spots right away … His hands made their way under her kimono and the touch set her body and soul on fire – even though his hands weren’t even touching her skin. And all of a sudden she was desperate to get out of her dress. 

That was the moment she realized how much she wanted him. It wasn’t just physical – she trusted him, wanted to be near him. She needed him, craved him – and the way he was looking at her as he pulled back made her believe he was feeling the same. She only hoped.  
She shifted and felt a tickling feeling spreading all through her body as she realized he was following her every move.  
“Help me to get out of that dress?” She flashed him a smile. She didn’t want this to get all heated up and feel like some kind of horny one-night-stand – that had happened way too often. Men who had misinterpreted her behavior, her teasing nature. Men who thought she was just the same in bed as she was in the field, or on dates. She wasn’t.  
In fact, she was probably a lot more sensitive than she knew of herself.  
But as Jethro smiled back she just knew he got her. In every sense of the word.  
“With pleasure.” With an incredible gentleness he pulled the material over her head and left it to her where she wanted it. She folded it and leaned over to throw it to the far end of the bed. As she wanted to turn around, his hand suddenly was around her waist, pulling her against him. Hollis felt the warmth exuding from his body and leaned into his touch. As he pressed a kiss in her neck, she signed, feeling a shiver running down her spine. God, she wanted this.  
She turned her head to meet his lips for a kiss, and they locked, got lost in each other. She decided to make the first move and parted her lips, slowly testing if he was ready for it. He was, and just seconds later their tongues met, his hands were in her hair, and she clung to him like it her life was depending on him.  
She couldn’t recall how Jethro had gotten rid of everything except his trousers and if she had played a part in it. All she knew was they both were breathless as they parted. Hollis’ heart was beating heavy against her ribs as she found herself on the mattress, on her side facing her partner who was constantly watching her. Her body was strained in attention and she felt like hyperventilating. Without a doubt, she hadn’t felt that alive in years.  
Jethro reached out to caress her cheek and she couldn’t help but close her eyes at the tender touch. His hand moved, fingertips barely touching her chin, neck, shoulder. He reached around her, his fingers dancing up along her back until he reached the clasp of her bra.  
There was a short hesitation coming from his. All she did was blink, giving him silent permission.  
She didn’t know if she managed to get out of the piece of clothing as graceful as she wanted to, but it didn’t seem to make a difference. She almost bit her lip in nervous, excited anticipation, suddenly feeling like a teenager.  
She appreciated the way he was only halfway leaning over her – as if he wanted to give her the opportunity to back out, to not trap her.  
Oh, she wanted everything but not get out if this. 

She had never been shy – neither in her job, nor in the bedroom. And she didn’t want to wait anymore. So she reached out for him, cupped his jaw and pulled him down to her, finally wanting to feel him, all of him. She signed into the kiss and couldn’t help the little gasp as his skilled fingertips focused their attention on her breast, seemingly enjoying what he was doing to her.  
Eventually he let go of her immediately and as fast as he had started it, and looked down at her, again.  
Steel blue met olive green. Both equally penetrating, blazing, and full of desire, hope and admiration. His eyes traveled lower to take her in once again, but he didn’t get far.  
She inhaled and felt her body tense up. She knew what exactly he was staring at. The scar left on her breastbone, healed well but visible if one looked a little closer. A bullet that had almost killed her about six years ago, a bullet that had put her in a coma because her body had been trying so hard to survive it had shut down.  
Luckily, it hadn’t given up on her.  
“You are not the only one with bullet wounds, gunny”, she said silently, her hand caressing his chest. He had a lot more scars than she did, and she kind of had expected it. But she figured he neither wanted to talk about it, nor should she stare. So she didn’t.  
She was tired of staring. She wanted to FEEL. Just as she made her move to get busy with moving along his bare skin, he reached for her hands and stilled them. She met his eyes, confused. There was a shadow lying over his features, an expression she could faintly distinguish as … sympathy.  
“Doesn’t matter”, he spoke with a voice soft as velvet.  
She blinked. “What do you …”  
“Scars. Wounds. Blemishes. They all don’t matter.” His eyes grew softer than she had ever seen him to be. “They make you beautiful. They’re you.”  
She batted her lids and stared up at him. She needed some time to process the kindness in his words. “You are the first man to say something like that”, she breathed out, voice trembling. He seemed to open his mouth to reply something, but she decided she wouldn’t let him. She wouldn’t risk him making her cry, not now, not tonight. So she kissed him, pulling him down towards her, desperate to feel him, all of him. Desperate to be near him.  
Somehow she got to him to free himself from his trousers, and finally, she could feel him, skin on skin. Hollis changed the position of her legs so she could kneel in front of him, taking his chin in both hands, kissing him again, harder this time. She didn’t want to wait, not anymore, and apparently he neither, the way he was pulling her towards him by closing his arms around her waist. She felt his growing hardness press against her belly and suppressed to say anything inappropriate, instead pulled back to gaze into his eyes once again.  
She knew the effect her green eyes had on others, especially on men. She had used it more often than she would probably admit for herself, and she was pretty sure than had been another reason why she was so good at face-to-face-stare-offs. She always won. 

Not this time, though. He flipped her over within seconds, and she let out a laugh. There was some kind of playfulness in the way he was treating her, and she liked it. She bent her leg and teasingly slid her toes along his calves, enjoying the gentle grow which stole its way out of his throat.  
He didn’t let her entice him any longer, actually, having a different plan in mind.  
Hollis figured it out the second he took his weight off her and instead hooked his fingers into the waistband of her underwear. She closed her eyes and prepared herself.  
He kissed his way down her belly along her hip, teasingly slow, reaching her thighs. As he pressed a kiss on the inside, Hollis inhaled.  
Her hand clawed itself into the cushions and her body tensed in unison. She had never been one to fall easily, neither in love, nor about surrendering when having sex. She had often heard she was easy to be with, but difficult to be impressed. That reputation she had had for a long time, and there was no reason or want to change anything about it.  
She bit her lip at his next very skilled move. She squinted her eyes and reached out to brush over his silver hair, as his tongue hit that one special spot. Hollis gasped and jolted, only to laugh in the next second.  
“Easy, Jethro”, she got out panting, trying to calm her already shuddering body. He made a rumbling sound in his throat, one that almost brought her to moan. He stilled her with placing his palm on her hip, steading her, keeping her in place – and securing her.  
Hollis closed her eyes, again, and took a deep, long breath. His tongue hit her again, and this time she gave in to a low sign, a sign which soon turned into quiet whimpers. The way his hand trailed massaging, caressing circles over her leg didn’t help her at all. He was so very good at what he was doing.  
Maybe it was true. Maybe she sometimes did play “hard to get” – but with him it had been different from the beginning. She was almost clingy, almost desperately craving his attention. She made her partners know when they were good, and he was. No concealment needed.  
That has always been a quality and character trade of hers. No lies, no games. Just the truth.  
He hit another, perfect spot, and she hissed.  
“Oh god, don’t stop”, she whispered.  
“Have no intention too”, he growled back.  
“No, I mean …” She took a deep breath. “I want you.” He stilled, almost frowned. As if her words had taken him off guard. She wasn’t sure what had happened, but the next second his head was above hers, the warmth of his body spreading and covering her like an invisible cloud. Blinking away the bliss, she smiled at him. And he smiled back. A smile showing devotion, love and passion in once. His hand found a way into her hair, combing through it. She met him halfway, this time the kiss was as their first one – loving, soft, slow. Hollis signed as they broke apart. They could be both. And that was absolutely perfect.  
He even gave her some time to put herself back together which she appreciated. She caressed his jaw with her fingers, her fingernails softly scraping along his chin.  
“Tell me.” She leaned forward until she could whisper in his ear. “What do you want me to do to make YOU feel good?” Her hand had already been on his biceps and she let it move along his strong shoulders, over his clavicle, feeling every muscle of his.  
“Doing a very good job already”, he mumbled, attacking her lips once again. Hollis made a humming sound in the back of her throat, approving his affection. She let her hands become busy, trailing patterns over his chest, his stomach, and downwards. He groaned as she reached her destination and couldn’t help the smut grin spreading all over her face.  
Truth was … he wasn’t the only one confident and good at what he was doing.  
He took a deep breath. “Slow down”, he gritted moments later, eyes darting, iceblue twinkeling.  
“Where’s your determination, gunny?”, she teased, enjoyed what she could do to him. “What about a marine’s energy?” She gave him another playful but teasing stroke and he reacted. In seconds he let go of her waist, instead grabbing her wrist and jerking them away from his now very active body part.  
“Wanna be with you”, he whispered into the kiss.  
She answered back. “Well that I approve.”  
Their kiss became hungrier and more and more passionate while he settled himself into position. It took just seconds, one single move of his to press all air out of her lungs. She squinted her eyes at the painful sensation, her body wanting her to wince, and she couldn’t help the small squeal escaping her lips.  
Immediately, he stilled.  
“You okay?”, he whispered softly. She blinked and gave him a smile.  
“Yes, it’s fine”, she spoke breathlessly. “Just … been a while.”  
“Same.” His lips twisted, but the glimmer couldn’t hide the effort he was fighting to maintain. “We’ll keep it slow.” He moved his hips, indeed this time a lot more attentive. Which only build her desire up more, and she couldn’t help the tease.  
“Do you think we can?”, she got out whispering. She met his eyes.  
“Do you want to?”  
She groaned and bit her lip. “Actually, no.”

They didn’t need any more words. Their bodies’ languages spoke enough for it, their mutual signs and articulations more significant than anything else.  
And then he stilled. Her eyes snapped open, her breath raging, confused by what had happened. And she was captivated by his eyes.  
It was a small movement, minimalistic even, but she saw it. His head moved, one time, from left to right.  
“God you’re beautiful.”  
She couldn’t quiet recall the last time someone had called her “beautiful”. But hearing it, in this moment, out of his mouth, caused a warmth spreading through her body and settling down right in her heart.  
He was so … she couldn’t put it into words.  
All she knew was she wanted to repay him.  
She hooked her leg around his waist and pressed herself close, slightly changing the angle. That was what made his eyes snap open.  
“Do that again”, he panted.  
She glared at him – for one second, the first time that night, feeling like the major one in their position. She arched her back. “This?”  
He groaned, the sound sending waves of pleasure through her body from head to toe. In reaction he moved again, this time making her moan.  
Time passed and she had no idea how much. All she knew was he was watching her. Men liked that position because they could look at their partner. And since a long time she enjoyed that, too. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and he got her implication. His hands were on her waist in seconds, pulling her upwards. The change of positions made her gasp, and as she felt his lips on hers, she signed into the kiss.  
She had no intention to play the stronger, dominant part, at least not tonight, not with him. She trusted him. She trusted him enough to take her over the edge and to give him the freedom to do what he wanted. Unconsciously her hands moved along his muscular back, holding onto him as wave after wave of nearly deserted feelings ran through her, making her tremble. She felt his fingertips on her lower back, he probably didn’t even realize the strength of his grip, and she’d probably have some bruises in the morning, but he’d be left with some crescents on his shoulders, too.  
They got each other. She knew it, and she was sure he felt it, too.  
And they held onto each other as they both surrendered to their passion, their world bursting into the brightest colors. 

…

Her breath came in shallow, raging pants. He held her even after her body’s recovering, even though she had stopped shivering a while before. She was back on the mattress again and felt his eyes on her but had nothing against it. She took a deep breath, then unclenched her legs and relaxed, grazing his calves with her toes while sliding off.  
And then he lowered his head until his forehead was on her chest, breathing out a satisfied intake of air. Hollis felt her head pound. That she hadn’t expected. This kind of affection surprised her.  
She stilled and did nothing for a while until she reached out to caress his arms.  
“That was awesome”, she managed to get out.  
He laughed. “Yeah it was.” There was an unusual lightheadedness in his voice and the way he spoke, and it made her smile in happiness. He bumped her nose with his, blue eyes flaming but smooth. “You okay?”  
She would have never imagined calling this man “sweet”, but he could be if he wanted.  
“Oh I am more than okay.” She grinned. The smile he gave her was almost boyish, mischievous, and kind of proud as he flipped onto the other side of the bed to give her more space. She reached for the blanket and pulled it over herself, silently lifting it up so he could grab it too if he wanted. He surprised her again as he wrapped his hand around her waist and pulled her close.  
The silence surrounding them was comfortable, easy, and save. There weren’t many things Hollis hated more than strained silence, and she was more than glad it weren’t an obstacle between them.  
Her head was on his chest, his arm lose around her waist, and she just enjoyed the way they both could say nothing and still seemed to understand each other’s minds.  
Time went on, the silence and calmness too, and she felt her body become heavier, her mind clouded.  
She bluntly yawned. And he broke out laughing, leaving her with a bright blush on her face.  
“God, I’m so sorry”, she mumbled.  
Playfully he tugged at her waist, eyes sparkling. “For what?”  
She looked up to meet his eyes. “Sex always makes me so tired.”  
He laughed again and took her hand she had used to cover her red cheeks. And then he really, actually, tapped her nose. “Ya look cute.”  
She felt the blush becoming even stronger and closed her eyes, smiling sheepishly.  
“Was I that good?”  
Hollis opened her eyes again and gave him a blazing stare. “Don’t get smug, Gunny”, she said with heavy teasing in her voice. As his smirk grew wider, she punched his chest lovingly and snuggled closed. “I’m simply not a night owl.”  
He surprised her as he kissed the top of her head. “Then sleep”, he nuzzled into her hair. “Tomorrow’s another day.”  
Yes, it was.  
She gave in to her body’s tiredness just seconds later, save and satisfied in the arms of a man she would have never imagined to be with ever.  
And she couldn’t recall the last time she had slept in with a smile on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the sex-scene-chapter always seem to be the longest and most detailed ones … What does this say about me?!


	5. LJG

He felt bad. A bad conscience was creeping over him and it drove him crazy.  
But he didn’t feel as bad so it would make him stay, which he also couldn’t do, even if he wanted to. They had already overslept and there was no way for him to be punctual, and he could only hope he wouldn’t be the new center of speculation since EVERYONE seemed to have noticed the tension between him and the attractive CID agent.   
Pulling on his pants he glanced around to look at her. She was still asleep, her hair messy, features relaxed.   
Jethro signed. She actually was the perfect partner. Strong, sassy, determined, cunning. Had a sharp mind, wasn’t afraid to speak up. Passionate. And way more sensual and soulfull then she let show. And good god, she was beautiful.   
It was in her eyes. The truth, her feelings, her real emotion, it was seen in her eyes. 

Knowing he couldn’t deal with the sight of a vulnerable, sweet version of hers any longer, he turned around to dress up fully and went to the bathroom as silent as possible. Back in the room he gathered his gear while he thought about if he should leave her a message, or wake her.   
All options seemed to be stupid, or the cliché one-night-stand, which he didn’t want her to think. She wasn’t a woman to just spend a night with, even though it was GREAT, but she was a lot more than that, and he didn’t want her to feel like he had just used her. On the same time, what was it between them? He couldn’t explain, couldn’t make himself a rhyme out of it, it was …

“Where are you going?”   
Her voice startled him and he turned around.   
Hollis was sitting upright, blanket wrapped around her, blinking the tiredness out of her eyes. He couldn’t help but remark that she looked kind of adorable all sleepy and with uncombed hair. The fact that she didn’t seem to bother at all about the fact she was anything than styled and didn’t even try to look like the perfect morning-after-lover was something he appreciated more than anything.  
He maybe should tell her. But instead, all that came out of his mouth was “I gotta go”, he said. “Work.” He grabbed his jacket and thought about a proper good bye as he caught her staring at him.   
Puzzled.   
“You have to be kidding.”  
There it was. The sarcasm, the sass. But that wasn’t all. It was baffledness. And … something else he couldt quiet picture.   
He clenched his jaw, suddenly feeling incredibly insecure. After everything that had happened within the last hours, yeah, days, all he wanted now was to get away from her.   
Because this, whatever it was, was getting dangerously close to him. SHE was getting close to him.   
“I’ll call you, ‘kay?”  
He couldn’t get it over himself to walk back to her and kiss her, he just couldn’t. But what he didn’t expect was how the look on her face, changing from bewildered to angry, affected him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if that seems rushed, but I couldnt make it better … Gibbs' thoughts sometimes are so incredibly hard to express ...


	6. HM

He never called. And she was angry with herself for bothering this much.   
Maybe it really had been just a quick thing for him. A one night stand. Probably he had decided he wasn’t interested, at least not in a relationship … but then there had been the way he had kissed her, held her, treated her. She couldn’t remember a guy that affectionate. 

She wouldn’t mind doing it again, not at all. But more over she wouldn’t mind waking up in his arms and kissing him. Having dinner together. Watch a movie. Sleep in next to each other. Talk – IF he were a talker, which he wasn’t, she had realized that.   
She didn’t want to be the one making the move – she had already done it by postulating him to kiss her. Now it was his turn.   
IF he wanted it. 

One of her closest colleagues at CID, Jamie, gave her a onceover as she strolled along the corridor.   
“You look different.”  
Hollis gave her a quick glance. “I do?”  
“Mhm”, Jamie said as they walked side by side towards their offices.   
She lifted her eyebrow. “Good or bad?”  
“Good. Like …” Jamie stopped as if a thought had crossed her mind. Her lips curled into a smug smile and the moment she opened her mouth, Hollis held up her hands. “Don’t. Don’t say it.”   
She knew EXACTLY what her friend meant. And was annoyed her was that it had taken her only seconds to figure out that she hadn’t spent the night alone.   
When the hell did she become such an open book and easy to read person?  
Her friend understood. Closed her lips, made a move with her hand, and got back right to business. 

Two days later, the tears came. Ugly tears as if she were a teenager who had just gotten screwed over by her crush.   
Anger and sadness combined were a deadly, hated combination, especially for her. Hollis hated herself when she was drowning in self-pity but she couldn’t help it. Hugging a pillow to her chest, she grumply watched whatever was running on TV, not really caring about it anyways. 

She could go to his house and face him, ask him why he was acting like an asshole. But this wasn’t her. She had a huge ego, and in her mind, no woman should ever put herself lower and creep after a guy she was fancing over. A little teasing, that was good. To make them aware. But playing the clingy partner, holding the “Oh I can’t live without you, I love you, please come back to me” speech – that didn’t work for her. And if he waited for THAT, he wasn’t the right one. Because THIS wasn’t her. 

A whole week later she decided to cut the strands. It was over. Maybe they weren’t meant to be. 

It took her another week to force herself to think that it was probably the best.   
But what she didn’t know and didn’t want to admit was that she had fallen in love with Leroy Jethro Gibbs. And if Hollis Mann loved someone, nothing could change that.   
Her heart knew.


	7. LJG

He knew she was angry. Had seen it in her eyes, it was in her body language.

He should have known she wasn’t one to mess with, should have known she was a deadly enemy and he should have seen it coming that she would bring him hell on earth if they’d ever crossed paths again. 

Which they did.   
And his team was watching.   
He didn’t know with whom he was most furious – Tony and Ziva for gossiping and ogling, Hollis being the literal devil to give him all those GLANCES and knowing EXACTLY it was completely unprofessional but didn’t care and probably doing it just because of that, or himself for falling for her.   
Because hell yeah, he was falling for her. Had probably been the second they had met. 

He knew she was enjoying this. Torturing him, making him squirm under her gaze, get uncomfortable since his team was near. And hell, she had every right to. He had been a total ass. 

He told her after they had arrested the butcher lady. Or better, he had asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner.   
He still wondered why she had said yes. 

Somehow they ended up naked again. On his couch. After making out like horny teenagers. And the worst thing about it was that he didn’t regret it the least.   
The sight of her, this always controlled, powerful and bossy woman completely vulnerable and at his mercy, then seconds later in total in charge … it just had something that made his whole brain shut down and make his heart – and animalistic instincts - take over.   
Being honest … it was also admiration. Because she could complete change, from icecold army colonel to passionate woman, and both of it was so real, so honest, so HER. She could let loose, let go of her work attitude, and just be Holly. Because whenever she was like this, soft and sweet and curled up next to him, signing at every touch he spoiled her with, she was Holly, not Hollis. 

Oh how he wished he could do the same. Let his armor and his walls down.   
He wanted it so badly. He wanted to do it for her.   
To show her what she meant to him. 

The moment she had opened her eyes again, those beautiful, extraordinary green eyes meeting his, unshielded, unguarded, her lips curled into a smile, he knew he was in love with her.   
His heart had known it a long time before – hell, he wouldn’t have kissed and loved her in the first place. But it had needed a whole five weeks for those feelings to settle into his consciousness. 

“What is this Jethro? Between us, I mean?” Her voice was silent, calm, almost insecure in its question. He took a deep breath.   
Honestly … “I don’t know”, he said.   
He saw her shoulders fall in defeat. Suddenly he wondered if he should have said something else. 

Silence.   
Only disturbed by her grabbing the blanket to cover herself. Wise move. 

Then, a long exhale. “I don’t just want to be your bed bunny”, she exclaimed seconds later.   
He stared at her, opened his mouth, but … nothing came out.   
“I like you, okay? I really like you.” Her eyes burned into his, bright and furious and passionate and desperate, so desperate it hurt him just seeing her like this. “And if you don’t feel the same way, that’s … okay.” Oh, it was everything but okay for her, he saw it in her face, heard it in her voice. “Just … tell me. Please. I can’t go on living like this as if …” She took a deep breath. “As if I’m just some kind of affaire.” Her green eyes pierced into his. “That’s not who I am, Jethro. I don’t know your perception of me, but I’m not one for cheap fling. I’m either all in or nothing.”  
He held her gaze. “You aren’t”, he said. Strong and honest and hell yeah, THAT was the truth.   
She bat her eyelashes. “What?”  
“A bed bunny. An affair.” He straightened his back and sat up, focused on her. “You are no mistake or occasional flirt for me. Even though … I’ve kinda made you feel that way. I’m just … I’m not good at this.”  
Her lips twisted into a relieved smile and she whipped her eyes. “That’s okay. I’m not perfect either. Far from perfect.” She reached out and took his hand. He watched their fingers dance around each other, her tender in his calloused ones, somehow fitting, somehow the complete opposite.   
“I just want to know … if you’re ready to figure this out.” He felt her eyes on him and he looked up. There was this unshielded, vulnerable honesty in her face, something he hadn’t seen in a lot of people’s features. She was a walking contradiction. A beautiful, sassy contradiction.   
“I cant promise anything.” He wanted it to sound like a warning but it turned out as a whisper.   
And she smiled. God, that smile had killed him in the first moment. Soft and sweet and flirtatious. “You don’t have to, gunny. All I want you to do is try.”  
Finally, he smiled, too. “That I can.”   
He pulled her in by her waist to kiss her. And as they did, he felt her smile against his lips, and he knew, THIS felt right. 

…

“What happened?” He trailed his hand along her ribs, up between her breasts, feeling the scar. He had realized it before, in their first night and today too, but he hadn’t felt in the position to ask. Now he did. Now it felt like the right time.  
“About two centimeters left and I would have been dead.” The sternness in her voice – and the message – made his heart stop for a second. He stared at her but realized she was looking at the ceiling, lost in the past.   
“Venezuela. Some guy went crazy, it wasn’t on duty so I didn’t wear a vest. No one did. But he got me. My troup called an ambulance, they got me to the hospital, and I was out for a whole two weeks.”   
He closed his eyes for a second, imagining the IF …  
“So many close calls”, he mumbled. “Too many.”  
Hollis nodded in silence. 

He decided to move on. Since they were already speaking about it …  
“And that?” His fingertips rested on the scar just under her ribs, even though he had a vague idea what might have happened.   
“Serious kick in the guts. A suspect went crazy. Attacked me in the interrogation room.”  
He shot up. THAT he hadn’t expected. She just shrugged it off.   
“Splenic rupture. They had to remove it. That’s why IF I get sick, which gladly isn’t often, I get REALLY sick.”  
Gibbs swallowed, silently cursing the guy who had done that to her. 

He went on examining her with looks, and luckily the last scar he found – at least on her front – was one on her foot.   
“Let me guess.” He softly rubbed his thumb over it. “Sprayled ankle?”  
She nodded. “Yep. Chased a suspect. Ground wasn’t level.” She snorted. “Most embarrassing day in my entire life.”  
He chuckled. “Even a Colonel can get embarrassed.”  
“Oh, I was still Lieutenant. Thought I did better than those new ones in my squad.” She rubbed her forehead. “At least, they were scared of me so no one let a comment slip, at least not in my presence.”

He spoke the words after some moments in silence. “’m kinda proud of you, you know.”  
Hollis stared at him while her eyebrow rose up. “Why?”  
“I imagine you had a tough way to go.” He kissed her cheek and settled closer. “Made it far.”   
“Only chased my dreams, Jethro.” She smiled at him, eyes sparkling. “Just that.”


	8. LJG

The topic came up in his mind about two days later. She was staying at his house again, they had had dinner while watching a movie, and as the world around them fell in silence, he articulated it.   
“The first case we worked on together. With Abraham. As Ziva defused the bomb.” He turned to look at her. “You stayed with us. Why?”  
Hollis took another sip of her drink, and as soon as she had swallowed, she answer without hesitation: “Because we were in this together.”

That wasn’t enough of an explanation for him.   
“I get it why Tony and McGee stayed. They would have never let Ziva die alone if she wouldn’t have succeeded. We are a team, work together, trust each other. But …” His voice got lower. “Why did you risk your life?”

Now, an expression of thoughtfulness covered her features. Slowly she placed the glass onto the table before leaning back and curling her legs up on the couch.   
Then she looked at him. Right into his eyes. “I guess my heart had already decided it belonged to you.”   
He stared back at her, taking in her honest, loving smile and felt his own heart pound. The meaningful heaviness of her voice had an impact on him like alcohol – it lulled him in warmness, clouded his mind, made everything seem lighter.   
“I’m not one to back down easily, Jethro. But I guess you already figured that out.” He smiled, nodded. She smiled, too, and moved closer. “On this case, it didn’t matter who was Army and who Navy. All what mattered was us, as a team.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t have left you with that. Even if we all would have been blown up into the air.” Her lips twisted, but her eyes were suddenly covered with emotion. Emotion and … devotion. She leaned her head on his shoulder and tangled her fingers with his. “At least we would have gone up as a firework together.” 

He wanted to smile, but there was something that kept him from that.   
Tentative, he asked her: “Something in your words tells me … you know what you’re talking about.”  
She took a deep breath and shook her head. “Long story.” As he caught her eyes, the smile on her lips was weaker than before and she just closed them, leaning back on his chest.   
“I don’t want to talk about it”, she whispered. “At least … not now.”  
He nodded. He got her. He probably got her better than anyone else whenever it came to not wanting to talk about something that happened in the past … 

He was glad as it was her to restart talking. “You know somehow I never felt like an intruder, and your team seemed to respect me from day one.”   
He chuckled. “That was because they were scared of you.”  
She shifted and leaned back to stare at him. “That’s not true.”  
“Oh, it is.” He grinned down at her. “Do you even know how menacing you can be?”  
She blinked. “I am menacing?”  
“Well right now ..:” He gave her a onceover, smirking at her wide, grey shirt that looked like two sizes too big for her. “You’re not.”   
She bit her lip, a light blush covering her cheeks. “You know what I think?” She shifted near until their noses touched. “It’s because you respected me.” She turned on her back and made herself comfortable on his lap, looking up at him. “Kids usually tolerate the person who gets respected by their dad.”   
He laughed. “What?”  
“Oh come on, they so do behave like kids.” She tilted her head. “Remember that face-app? Where they mixted a baby out of our facial features?” She spoke the “mixted” with forming quotation marks with her hands. “That is such a kids-thing to do.”   
“They’re adults”, he held against it.   
“Which doesn’t make them childish”, she said, giving him that one-raised-eyebrow-look. “And you know how I mean it.” 

“Wouldn’t mind it, you know.” The words had left his lips without him really thinking about it, but it wasn’t less a truth. She sat up again, staring at him with a completely puzzled look. A single, little strand of hair fell into her fac. It was such an adorable, so unlikely her moment he snorted with laughter.   
“Yeah, you heard that right.” He still chuckled, even when she roled her eyes and punched his shoulder.   
“Well, I appreciate your offer but first, we’re way too old, and second, I’m no kids person.”  
“Don’t worry. Got enough kids at work.” She smirked at his words, at his indirect way of conceding her point. 

Kelly was his one and only, his daughter, and he wouldn’t dare replace her. And right now, especially when she leaned full flush against him and kissed him, everything in his life seemed pretty damn good.


	9. LJG

A few weeks later, another bomb dropped and his entire world became unstable again. 

It was always worse when it happened so quickly, without anyone expecting it.   
Just as it had happened with Kate. Sometimes, that still haunted his dreams. 

One moment, a second, and everything … everything was shattered. 

Paula Cassidy wanted to die. He had expected it, that was the reason she had jumped in, protected them from getting hurt. Nevertheless, it would have been his job to protect her, to keep her away from it, but he failed. 

The way Hollis was looking at him when she met his eyes on that evening, she knew it. Had probably heard it in the news, or some other Army guy had told her.   
She wanted to care for him, he knew. But he wasn’t ready to let someone take care of him, because he didn’t deserve it - so he just ... shrugged it off. Pretended he was fine.   
Oh, he so was anything but fine. 

“Anything I can do?”, she had asked him, he had ignored it, dreaded it in his typical way of changing the subject. She hadn’t pressed for an answer.   
But now, as he was sitting on the couch, silence surrounding him, him staring at a point, he knew he couldn’t go on like this. 

Somewhen he felt Hollis’ presence near him and the way her hand moved along his spine, up and down, caressing him and combing through his hair, was almost too much for him to bear.   
He didn’t know what made him do that.   
“About your question. If … you could do anything?”  
He felt her hand grow still on his back and he turned to look at her. There was a openness in her eyes that made his heart ache for a second time, wondering how anyone could ever hurt her – him included.   
She wanted him to be better, to feel better, to just … be honest.   
And he couldn’t. He just couldn’t.   
But acting was something he was good at.   
“There is something”, he whispered. Hollis shifted her head, hair brushing along his face since she was so close to him. “Yes?”  
“Need some distraction. And …” He turned to look at her. She was doing the same.   
“And?”  
He swallowed at the look in her eyes. She knew exactly what he meant.   
“Ah.” A smirk, but her eyes said something different. “That.” Now she was the one leaning in, kissing the corner of his lip. “It’s a pleasure.”   
Something within him stirred at her words and the way her slender, skilled hands moved along his arms and his chest while moving closer. “Don’t worry”, she whispered, her silent, sultry voice lulling him in like a poisonous, sweet cloud. “You’ll be good.” Her hand slipped under his shirt. “I’ll take care of you, Jethro. Just let it go.”   
As she straddled his lap he felt his jeans grow uncomfortably tight. She was so gentle with him, so tender and yet heated and churned up every single facet of his body. But it wasn’t enough. He needed her, needed her close.   
He needed to FEEL. To know HE was still alive, after everything, and that he was ABLE to feel. And right now that was the only way to prove it.   
He kissed her, harder than usual, but she didn’t seem to mind.   
The kiss turned into something more. Something … steamy. And before he could recall it her shirt was gone and his hands were all over her, moving up and down her toned stomach, her soft skin, over her jeans, everywhere. Hollis softly bit into his lower lip and he groaned, pulling her close. He needed her. He needed her so badly it hurt.   
“What do you want, Jethro?”, she whispered into his ear. Low, silent, seductive. “Tell me what I can do.”   
A thousand inappropriate expressions and visions came into his mind and he wondered, for just a moment, if he ever could do anything of it, or would, or if she would approve.   
As she opened the button of his jeans something within him changed. It was as if someone had woken him up with a slap or a bucket of ice water.   
“Wait.” He grabbed her hand, preventing her from ... “This is wrong.” His lover blinked, eyeing him in confusion. He shook his head. “It does feel so wrong.”   
He pulled back, his hands on her hips to keep her away from him, and took a deep breath as he forced his body to control itself.   
“Hol, I don’t wanna use you”, he then whispered. He felt moistness dwelling up in his eyes, knowing exactly what that meant.   
He didn’t look at her, knowing he’d falter if he did. After seconds of pure, strained silence where all he could hear was the beat of his heart, he suddenly felt her fingers trailing along his chin.   
“You’re not using me, Jethro.” Her voice was soft like silk, travelling through the air like a whispered prayer. “If I felt you were, believe me, I would have told you.”   
He grunted. “Well that I believe.”   
He wasn’t sure what it was that made him look at her. But as he caught that expression in her eyes, the little tilt of her head, and realizing what she was probably up to just to make him feel better … he just couldn’t help it.   
A shiver ran through his body, from head to toe, and before he could prepare himself, a noise came out his throat. A very, very distinctive one.   
If there had been any last hints of seductiveness on her face, all was gone by now, replaced by pure affection.   
“Oh, Jethro.” She caressed his cheek, again the smile didn’t reach her eyes. What he saw in those deep, myserious green eyes was sympathy. “It’s okay to be vulnerable, you know. To cry.”   
“It’s … it’s hard for me.” He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. “Didn’t really do that in a long time. ‘specially not with someone watching.”   
Again he turned away from her gaze, staring into nothing, wondering how he should get himself out of that situation again. 

“You’re not the first one to say that.” He looked at her – she somehow must have pulled her shirt back on – silently asking what she meant.   
“One evening I caught a guy in my troupe bawling his eyes out. He was barely nineteen, we had been away from home for almost four months, and he was homesick. His girlfriend had had a dangerous surgery and he couldn’t be there with her and it was killing him.” Her eyes turned smooth like liquid. “I sat down with him and we talked. And I never told this anybody, not only for his sake.”  
“It wouldn’t have been professional.” He stated. Hollis shrugged.   
“Why you telling me this?”, he silently asked.   
A twist of her lips. She leaned in closer and placed the softest kiss he had ever felt on his lips. “Because I want you to know I will always be there to listen, no matter what. And your secrets will be safe with me.”

He knew. He knew he could trust her. And that, that was what scared him. 

About a minute later his head was in her lap and she was stroking along his arm, and he wondered if he could ever tell her that.


	10. LJG

There was something in the way she walked. In ACU’s she was all bossy and strong-willed sass, in dresses she was elegant, like a complete different person. He had always admired her legs, how her walk seemed to change as soon as she was out of army-boots (or “black cadillacs”, how she preferred) and in heels, even sneakers. Well, heels wasn’t the right word, they were never that high. But whatever it was, it suited her just as well as the non-tailored combat uniform. And that uniform, lord have mercy.   
Whatever she wore, she wore it with pride. Upright posture, straightened back, shoulders down, head up high. She was a fierce woman and she showed that to everybody.

Lt Colonel Mann in ACUs.   
Hollis in a ponytail and casual clothes, sipping wine on Saturday’s and sitting on his couch.   
And there was Holly with curly hair and in dressed and that goddamn beautiful lipstick on.

She was like three people combined.   
The cunning army colonel, every man’s equal.   
The casual all-rounder who had made herself a home in his basement as well as in his kitchen, and who had found a way straight to his heart.   
The elegant sensual one who enjoyed being taken out for dinner or romantic evening walks.

But whatever she wore, whoever she was, she was HIS.

Nevertheless, she always had the talent to surprise him.

And today that came in a completely different way. In a way he wished it would have never happened.

# …

“My parents died when I was eighteen.”

Her sudden words made him frown and felt like a dagger sent straight through his heart. He slowly and carefully turned to look at her, only to find her staring into the flames of the fire he had enlightened just minutes earlier.   
He didn’t force her to speak. Now it was his time to silent – and to be there for her. Whatever may come at him.

He wasn’t prepared for it.

“I was alone. And with alone I mean, I had no family member close to me.” She spoke it like a matter-of-fact, but just the lack of emotion made him sense something very, deeply rooted and painful was to come along. “I had always been some kind of disappointment for my grandparents, we never clicked, and I still don’t really know the reason. At the funeral it was the first time I could recall hugging them since years.”  
She lower her chin and fiddled with her fingernails.   
He exhaled. “Holly, I’m so sorry.”  
She gave him a look. Her eyes were glimmering in sadness.   
“Now you know I can feel you, Jethro. I know how it feels when you lose someone you love, your solid ground, your everything. Because within the first weeks, it really felt like it. Luckily I had moved and started university, so at least I had a place to stay and …”  
_And knew how to live on my own.  
_His heart clenched. She had lost her family, too … but he couldn’t tell her now. This was about her. He couldn’t make it about him now.

“How did you …” He cleared his throat, feeling extremely uncomfortable. “I mean … cope with it?”  
“I focused on studying, blocked everything else out – friends, partying, good times. All I did was study and work out and listen to music. My friends were incredibly worried about me, but at least they could drag me out sometimes, too, otherwise I would have probably lost touch with the outer world.” She crossed her legs and folded her hands. As she spoke next, her voice sounded contemplating, thoughtful, as if very far away. “After university, I began working, did some internships, travelled. I felt … something in my life was missing. Now that my family was gone there was nothing which could keep me in California and I felt … I felt lost.”   
She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath.   
“It isn’t easy to describe, but that comes closest. I knew I needed to find my place in this world, to get a solid ground, to find something worth living and fighting for.” A smile danced over her beautiful face, but her eyes were still covered with sadness. “I remember that one night I spent outside on a rooftop in South Africa, looking at the stars. It was freezing cold, and I didn’t feel anything. All I knew was that whenever I went back to my real life, not the gypsy-backpacker-one I had been living as for the past three months, I had to find it. My destiny.   
And I did. The Army was a place I finally felt I belonged to. I decided to join because I wanted to make a difference, and there I could. Wanted to be off service, to use my abilities for the greater good. And because there was no one left who could have missed me. Not truly, at least.”  
Her words felt like a dagger into his heart. “Don’t say that.”  
“Why?” She turned to look at him and for a moment he had nothing to say, was taken aback by the bluntness of her retort.   
So he decided to just go with the truth. “I … it hurts seeing you this way.”  
Her lips twisted but her eyes mirrored defeat, maybe even anger. “Yeah, I’m pretty good at keeping a stern face, am I?”  
He opened his mouth to reply something, but Hollis had already turned away again. And somehow he knew he couldn’t make a difference with saying anything. So … all he did was being there for her.

“That’s not all.” She spoke it in a very silent, careful way. As if foreboding something really, really bad. She held out her left arm and pointed at her wrist. “You see that?”   
He took him two seconds until his heart clenched painfully and his mouth went dry in shock. For a few moment he sat there in pure horror as his eyes made out a distinctive, slightly brighter line at the inside.   
“Holl …”, he fell silent.   
“I wanted to kill myself.” Hollis clenched her jaw and he saw her tremble. “Right after the funeral I thought I couldn’t take it anymore. I … I didn’t even think about it, I just … I grabbed that razor plate, and …”  
He placed his hand on her shoulder to give her comfort. She took a shaky breath.

“I had never been such an impulsive person. Unshielded, yes, but I always thought about what I was doing or what the consequences were. Not this time, though …” Another deep inhale, as if she herself knew if she wouldn’t take breaks she’d hyperventilate. He was so shocked he could neither do nor say nor move – after everything that had happened in his life he wouldn’t have expected _this_, especially not out of her mouth.   
“I even took painkillers. They always make me dizzy, and I thought well, that helps.” Her voice became sarcastic. “It dulls the pain I would definitely feel slicing my skin and make blood thinner so it’ll flow easier.”

He literally felt his skin turn white like a wall while listening to her story.

“I woke up in the hospital. Apparently, my roommate and her boyfriend found me and called an ambulance.” She shook her head. “God, I didn’t even think about what a shock that must have been … and even more if they would have found me dead ….”  
“So the fact that they came home earlier saved your life.” She nodded, eyes still closed.   
As she opened them again, almost a minute later, she took a deep breath, green eyes sparkling with tears.   
“I took a break from studying for one semester, to clear my mind and get myself back together. Went dog sitting to earn some money because first, I really had to talk about my feelings and I could do that with the dogs without them judging me, and I knew I couldn’t do the typical waitress job since there were times where I just broke down in tears and I had no idea when that was going to happen, so a job with people wouldn’t have been the best choice.” She shrugged. “Maybe that’s another reason why I love dogs and horses.”  
He couldn’t bit back the comment. “Horses?”  
It was worth it. A small, little smile danced across her features. “Yep. Why you asking it in that voice?”  
He shrugged. “Don’t know. Just never thought of you being a horse-person.” He tilted his head. “Can see you with dogs, though.”   
Hollis’ smile slowly returned. “There was this old lady, Janice, whose dog I had been looking for since about three weeks and once drove to the vet. She always gave me a little something apart from money, mostly something she had just cooked, or around Christmas she got me a beautiful handmade green scarf.” Now it was a REAL smile. “She said it looks great with my eyes. I still have that scarf.”   
Now it was his time to smirk.   
Hollis cleared her throat. “Anyways, after the first three weeks she asked me if I wanted to come in. It was a stormy, rainy day. A Wednesday.” She looked at him. “She was the first person I told everything. Before that I had just talked to the dogs and to my therapist who I was forced to go to since my friends found me with a sliced wrist, but this was the turning point, I guess.  
We stayed in touch as long as possible, even after the university, I sent her postcards from every new country, and I visited her even after bootcamp.”  
Then, her eyes turned dark, cloudy, sad. “Until one day, I was back from service after about three months, and I went to see her … I found the house empty. No one had told me because there was no reference of hers the others might have known about, so I missed her funeral. But … I was glad, actually. I guess I couldn’t have managed to attend another beloved person’s funeral.   
It was peaceful death, I was told. In her sleep. She was old, so it was normal for her to leave this world.   
So the scarf was everything I had left, at least material stuff. But no one could take away my memories. And from this day on I decided never to look back anymore and grieve, but to appreciate the good times and be happy that it had happened.” She fell into a pause and he fiddled with his hands.   
“What about the dog?”  
She laughed. “So sweet of you to think about him. He was old already, too. Passed away while I was in South Africa, so a lot earlier.”

She exhaled and blinked away the last reminders of tears. “Wow. Haven’t talked that much about my past in a long time.”  
He tapped against her nose. “Hey, may not be good at words, but I’m a good listener.”   
She gave him that look, that beautiful, soft look as if she were understand everything, and snuggled into his arm.   
“Thanks, Jethro. And …” She blinked. “Thanks for not judging.”  
“Oh Holly.” He pulled her close and pressed a kiss in her hair. “How could I ever judge you.”


	11. LJG

Three weeks later she told him she needed to go abroad. What he didn’t know – actually both of them - was that she was going to be away for a whole two months.  
That made him realize how much he really liked having her around, and that he also missed her. He got grumpy – not that this wasn’t the normal case, but this time he also FELT grumpy. He was ANNOYED she was gone.

Something similar had happened earlier, but she had never been gone for such a long time, nor had she left the country for that.

But there was one thing which could easily be seen as an advantage. Whenever she came back from an oversees mission she was … horny.

This time it broke the standard and it hit him with total surprise.

He didn’t know when exactly she would arrive because she didn’t tell him, he just knew the date. So … he was in the middle of walking to the kitchen to grab something to eat as the door swung open and she stormed in, still in combat gear, the only difference was – the moment the door fell close and her bag was on the ground she pulled her hair open, shook it free while coming up towards him, and without another word her hands dug into his shirt and was kissing all air out of him.  
Not that he minded. The moment her lips were on his and her body pressed close to his a he felt a pull in his stomach and his nerves were strained. Something about her attacking him had something devilish attractive …

As she pulled back her eyes were flashing and oh boy, he knew one day those green marbles would be the death of him.  
“Get me out of those ACU’s before I do something which breaks Army-codex”, she breathed against his ear.  
Grinning, he grazed her throat with his teeth, causing her to moan softly.  
“Ya horny, Colonel?”  
She groaned and bit his earlobe. “What if I say yes?”  
“Then I tell you I’m glad, cause I’m too.”  
The giggle escaping her throat was low and dangerous, and his body and mind really liked that.  
He pinned her between the wall next to the stairs and his body and while sidetracking her with kisses, he opened the buttons of her combat jacket with deft fingers. The second it hung open on her shoulders she squirmed free from it, then pulled it around his shoulders like a nightclub dancer used a feather boa.  
The grin on her lips was deliciously sexy, almost dangerous, her green eyes burning. Without another word she pulled him with her, using the jacket for that. He wasn’t sure if he found that kind of power play amusing or if he was sidetracking because otherwise he couldn’t contain himself.

He loved her in these tight undershirts. She wore that one, today – the sandy colored, form fitting, high cut t-shirt which covered everything but also nothing, and for him, this was a thousand times sexier than any short skirt, because it showed off her toned arms, her skin color, and …  
The next second she had grabbed the hem and pulled it off, leaving her only in the camouflage printed pants and a very non-army-style bra.  
He raised an eyebrow even though his insides dropped. “Did you plan this?”  
She bit her lip. Slow, very slow.  
“Thought you could use a different kind of hello.”  
“Best welcome you could have chosen”, he grumbled and buried his face in her neck, tasting her skin for the first time after long weeks.

He ran his fingertips down her toned stomach and then tucked at the belt. What was it about women it belts that made him like it so much? She hadn’t been wearing the formal uniform very often in his presence, but whenever she did he couldn’t just not stare at her butt. And somehow she even looked hot in ACUs.  
Funny how something he usually didn’t like turned into some fetish.

Today though, all he wanted was to get her out of it. The signs she made while he caressed her skin and teased while running his hands over her perfect body her was nothing that left him unpassed and he was aware that she knew that.

Suddenly – they were horizontal now, both their pants gone - her hands clawed into his hair and he pulled back to stare at her. It was incredibly interesting and almost … admirable how quickly she changed from being the dominant part to the vulnerable soft one – maybe it was the fact that she actually _let him _to have the control. That she trusted him enough. And the thing was, he trusted her, too.

“Show me.” She wrapped her leg around his back and pulled him closer. Her breath was hot against his skin, her voice desperate, pleading. “Show me how much you missed me.”  
He granted himself a moment to look at her, into these wonderful eyes, her pretty face, her surrender-face. Yes, she had that. And yes, he loved it.  
“With the greatest pleasure”, he murmured back before slipping his hands under the last pieces of clothing that parted her from him.

And even as she dug her nails into his shoulders he didn’t mind the marks, because those were memories he didn’t want to forget. Because she was the best cure he could wish for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the first time in my entire life I wanted to write smut but I'm not sure if I succeeded ;) 
> 
> Hope you liked it nevertheless : )


	12. HM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *  
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin  
And if you have a minute, why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go  
Somewhere only we know?  
*

She found herself shaking her head in disbelieve and hurt all over again, so often she was sure if anyone saw her the person would think that was her tick or anything.   
Why didn’t he tell her? Why did it have to be his friend to tell her about a lost love and a daughter?

Did he really think she wouldn’t understand? On the contrary – NOW she understood. She got why he was scared of attachments. She understood why he was divorced.

He was a good guy. Under his rough exterior, he had a heart of gold. What was it about him that made it so incredibly hard for him to talk?

After everything she had told him, why did he still think she couldn’t understand? Why couldn’t he just be honest and open?

*

The evening she spent alone. She needed to clear her mind, and something told her she wasn’t the only one.   
With one difference – suddenly she felt tears threatening in her eyes.

She went out on her small balcony, inhaling the evening’s air. She hoped the coolness of the night would lose her muscles and ease the hurricane she felt swirling within her, but she knew it wasn’t that easy.

She loved him. How couldn’t he believe she cared about him? What was his sight on a relationship that he didn’t seem to understand that she wanted to help him?  
Because that was all she wanted. She didn’t need him to be perfect. Sure, he was straining, but that she could handle.   
What she couldn’t handle was being left in the dark. Feeling like he shut her out, even though he knew everything about her, in every sense of the word.   
She trusted him. But she needed him to trust her, too.

Hollis looked up into the sky, focusing on to stars. She wasn’t a religious person at all, but some things about spirituality haunted her. Like the imagination that the souls of dead people were symbolized in stars. She just wanted to believe that, because it made it easier for her to let go, to not give in to the grieving.

That had helped her before – she had seen many people die, people she had grown accustomed to, people she cared about, people she was close with – very close with one, especially. She told herself they were up there, guarding her, and having a good time in heaven.

She remembered Shannon and Kelly. Imagined they were listening. Imagining … they were still watching over him. “I promise you I will take care of him. And I won’t give up that easily”, she silently promised as the wind carried her thoughts away.


	13. LJG

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with her or near her. He liked her, he really did. And he liked having her around. He knew she wanted and needed answers and he got that. He understood.   
But he couldn’t give her that. There was this obstacle he couldn’t overcome. Maybe, if she would only give him a little more time, wait for it, maybe he could leave the shadow behind, and …

Their voices. Their voices brought everything back – the pain, the guilt, the fear, the hurt. He stopped dead in his tracks. Frowned.

_How did she find it.   
Why did she find it. _

_And why did she do it. How could she …_

His legs gave in involuntarily and he found himself on the stairs, sitting, staring into nowhere while the voices of his two most beloved girls cut like daggers through his heart.

And then, he wasn’t sure why, he looked up. He saw her standing there, stock still, he couldn’t see her face – until she turned around.   
The reddish light was reflecting in her face, illuminating her figure. She looked almost angelic with her blonde, wavy hair and that flowy dress, and yet … everything he felt was the cold, steely claw around his heart.

It felt like an eternity of piercing, painful silence until her voice drifted over towards him.

“Jethro, I am so sorry. I didn’t know …”  
“You couldn’t.” He shook his head, turned to stare at the wall in front of him.

He didn’t want her to see him cry.   
He knew she knew. She had confronted him in the elevator. The secret was out.   
It didn’t feel good. It felt horrible, actually. As if that was the worst thing that could have ever happened between them.

Another round of silence.   
He faintly heard her steps, she came closer

As she spoke her voice was trembling. Broken. Whispering. “Do you want me to leave?”  
He didn’t say anything. He wasn’t able to. He was … empty. Empty and pained and he didn’t know what to do, or say.

“Okay.”   
The soft pain in her voice was what startled him. He looked up. What he saw made his heart cramp a second time. The glimmer in her eyes had turned into visible tears.

He didn’t want to see her cry. He didn’t want to be the REASON she cried.   
He opened his mouth to return something but she shook her head.   
“No”, she whispered. “Don’t.”  
She stepped closer, so close until they almost touched. Then she leaned in and pressed a kiss to his forehead – a kiss so soft he closed his eyes at the tender affection. “You don’t need to explain. I understand.” Her voice broke at the last word.

What did she understand?

Her hand glided up his arm, to his shoulder, and she stopped midway on the stairs. “Goodbye, Jethro.”

Without moving he listened to her steps carrying her more and more away from him, and he could almost feel every meter that parted them more. The door fell close with a silent thud.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs was alone, again. And at that time he had no idea that this was the last thing he would hear her speak and the last moment he had spent with Hollis Mann.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still dont understand how Gibbs could have let Hollis go
> 
> I mean she was perfect


	14. HM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your heart is not open so I must go  
The spell has been broken, I loved you so  
Freedom comes when you learn to let go  
Creation comes when you learn to say no  
You were my lesson I had to learn  
*I was your fortress you had to burn  
Pain is a warning that something's wrong  
I pray to God that it won't be long  
Do ya wanna go higher?  
There's nothing left to try  
There's no place left to hide  
There's no greater power  
Than the power of good bye*
> 
> Because this song fits too well to not use it ...

Hollis wasn’t used to cry. She was used to being alone, but never had the realization of it hit her so hard and made her feel like an invisible force had just ripped her heart out and left heft her chest open, bleeding and hurt.

She knew deep down that her heart had decided the moment she had seen him sitting on the stairs. Her conscious had needed two days, though.

He had called her. She didn’t pick up. He had called her a second time on the day after, again, she didn’t respond.

On the third day she knew she had to let go. It would tear both of them apart, and he mattered too much to her. She didn’t want to do this to him. She couldn’t.

It took her another view days to find the courage to sit down and pour her heart out. Hollis wiped her eyes as she pulled out pen and paper, telling herself to stop crying because this would make it even harder.

She found found herself staring into nothing after she had put it into an envelope. It.   
“It” which was a lot more than just a breakup letter. Because … somehow she knew she would never entirely be able to break up with him.

Her heart cramped and beat in excitement as her eyes fell on her suitcases.   
It still surprised her how easy all had been, how fast this was happening, as if she were the main character in a movie and her whole life just rushed past her in two hours. Even though for her it was two weeks.

She had made up her mind. Everything was settled.   
Her flat sold, her new home waiting for her.

There was no way back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to everything which is happening in our world now, it's exceptionally easy to write sad stuff … 
> 
> BLM.   
I promise I'll try my best to contribute.


	15. LJG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You were a comet and I lost it  
Watching for comets, will I see you again?  
Everybody needs someone but they can't feel like this  
How can I breathe with this burning in my chest?  
You were gone so fast, I want you back
> 
> ~ Watching for comets

He needed a whole five days to realize what he had done.

Another two to finally call her.  
She didn’t pick up.

“Holly, can we talk? Please.” He signed. “I know it’s late, but better now than never, whataya think?” Short silence. “Please, call me.”

She didn’t answer. He wasn’t necessarily surprised.

Yet, it took him another two days to come by her house – she either wasn’t there or wasn’t in the mood of seeing him, and he understood and was unnerved the same amount.

He drove to the baseball batting field. She wasn’t there. One late afternoon he drove by the tennis field. Her training partner was there, she wasn’t. Hadn’t been for a week. He went to all the places they’d been, places he knew she liked, his feet taking him there almost unconsciously. He even walked through Arlington and stopped by the Army-memorial-wall, a place she had once told him she went often when she had to clear her mind and wasn’t in the mood of doing it through a workout or physical activity.  
She wasn’t there. She was nowhere to be found.

Another week later he tried it on a Sunday, at daylight, a time he knew she was neither on a running tour, or in the gym, or elsewhere. That was a time she usually spent in the park when it was sunny – which it wasn’t – or at home. If there was anything Hollis hated it was heavy, dark cloudy weather.

He rang her doorbell. Nothing.  
And he grew frustrated. Very frustrated.

He was almost contemplating about kicking the door open but was cut off in his attempt as he made out footsteps – but instead of facing his favorite blonde, it was an older woman, walking past him.  
“Excuse me.”  
She stopped mid walking and he pointed Hollis’ door. “The woman who had been living here. Do you know where she is?”  
Yes, he was desperate.  
Her eyebrows went up and she nodded, smiling. “Oh, she moved. It happened really quick, I didn’t even process it. She was a very nice neighbor.”  
He blinked and didn’t even realize what she said after the three first words.  
He needed five seconds to understand what she just said. “What?” Blinking, he shook his head. “Where?”  
“Oh, to Hawaii. Very nice. She doesn’t know how long, though, she said.”

Gibbs wasn’t sure if she said anything after that, or if he did, or whatever happened.

He had no idea how he made it back home.

…

He didn’t know if it was the universe’s perfect timing or if he had been too stupid to open his letter box, but the next Monday he found it.

A letter. And he recognized the neat, yet elegant hand writing immediately.

** _Jethro._ **

** _I don’t know where to start. And I think it may be the easiest not to turn this into some kind of clichee heartbreak letter. _ **  
** _You know me. I never dance around a subject._ **

** _I’ve made up my mind. I have decided to move on. Because with me, you will never be able to do the same. Sooner or later we will tear each other apart, and I can’t risk that. I don’t want us to be at each other’s throats. You matter too much to me._ **

** _By the time you read this you probably already know where I went, but please, spare yourself the effort of tracking me down. Don’t make it harder than it already is. Please._ **

** _What we had … it was extraordinary. In all possible ways. You’ll always have a special place in my heart. I’m not doing this to hurt you and I hope you know that._ **

** _Take care, gunny. Semper Fidelis._ **  
** _You will always have a special place in my heart._ **

** _Hollis_ **

He read the damn thing three times. With every single time he realized more and more that this was actually happening. With every time, with every breath he took, his heart froze more.

She left.  
She’s on her way to Hawaii.  
She’s gone.

_Gone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry.
> 
> We never knew what happened, we never gt to know anything about their “breakup”. And I cant believe Hollis just left without doing or saying ANYTHING. 
> 
> So I came up with this letter. I am honestly not sure if I’m happy about it, but this is one thing I still didn’t quite figure out about Hollis, and believe me, I have never studied a character more than her.


	16. HM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *But I can't turn around   
when I just figured out what I need to be.  
But baby,  
I'll come back for you,  
Back some day for you.
> 
> And the distance could kill us or make us strong.  
It ain't right to be apart from you for so long.  
And this world is out to get us but
> 
> I'd give anything to be with you;  
It's so damn true.  
It don't feel right to leave you  
when I'm all alone in an airport baby.  
But I'll come back for you,  
Back some day for you.*

The first time the tears came flowing like waterfalls was as she was sitting in the taxi to the airport. Her driver, the poor guy, asked her if she wanted tissues. She nodded. Then he asked if she wanted to talk, to get it off her chest. She declined. Third, he turned up the radio. Played some happy reggae music and talked about how he had gotten his dreadlocks as a 22 year old and still kept them.   
She ended up leaving the hospital with a smile on her face.

She could always come back, she thought as the plan took off.   
Maybe.

She didn’t know. All she knew was she needed time – to think, to sort herself, to ask herself what she wanted.   
Well … SHE knew what she wanted, she thought as she was staring down into the bright blue, sparkling pacific. But she also knew Jethro had to figure out if he would like to grieve for the rest of his life, and that was something he had to go through alone. She was no help in that.

She would never force him into something he wasn’t comfortable with. Even if it broke her heart.

Maybe she would come back, she thought as the plane landed. One day.   
Maybe.

She didn’t know.


	17. LJG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This time, this place misused, mistakes  
Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait?  
Just one chance, just one breath  
Just in case there's just one left  
'Cause you know, you know, you know  
That I love you, I have loved you all along and I miss you  
Been far away for far too long  
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go  
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore*

Forgetting and forgiving had never been strong qualities of his, especially the first.

He missed her. He missed her so much it hurt.

He had lost Shannon and Kelly. His ex-wives. Jenny. And now he had lost her, too.   
She was different to everyone else. She had been demanding, had forced him to make a decision, yet on the same hand she was understanding and soft like no one else.

The day she had first visited him at home she had asked if Kelly was his girlfriend. She had never asked him again or poked. She had understood that it was something he wasn’t ready to talk about, and that was what he admired about her.  
Yes, she was bossy, but she was respectful. She was straightforward, but never bribing.

And he had closed up, shut her out, and it was over.

It couldn’t be over. He didn’t want it to be over.

He understood the why. But he didn’t accept it.

Not again. He didn’t WANT to accept it.

…

The first and only evidence was the Stars and Striped.   
Lanai. At least he knew where exactly she went.

He knew it was probably one of his worst decisions he had ever made, but two months later – after thinking about her way too often - he decided to screw it and asked McGee to check on her. To see if she made any mistake about being untraceable, because no one could just disappear. This wasn’t Amelia-Earhard-times, this was new age. And McGee was a genius when it came to tracking down people.

Just to know. In case …

Yeah. In what case? In case he wanted to call her?  
She would hate him for not respecting her wishes.   
She wouldn’t even listen to it after she’d recognize his voice.

He had to try everything. And yet … he didn’t do nothing.

His biggest fear had been losing her. It had always been like that. People close to him got hurt. And to prevent that, he had kept locking her out, kept her distant. By trying to keep her close and far away on the same time so neither one of them would get hurt, he had lost her completely.

He messed up. If he could turn back time … he would.

Because he loved her.

He even knew it after a full year, and by that time he was sure that he had lost her.


	18. HM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I'll be moving to the shore  
from the city sounds  
I'm coming home
> 
> I'll be building by the sea  
If you follow the glow  
you'll find me
> 
> And the shadows of the skys with mountains raising high  
I'm building me a fire of my own   
And the shadows of the skys with the waters fine and well  
I'm building me a fire in the night  
My kingdom of light
> 
> leaving all the noise behind  
the bridges burn  
there's no return *
> 
> ~ Kingdom of light

Summer had always been her favorite season. No wonder she chose Hawaii.

She was sitting on her towel, sunglasses on and watched the sunrays dancing on the waves. Since she was living here she had restarted wearing her hair open and curled as it was naturally – the shift in water contributed to it.   
Within the first five weeks she practically lived in her swimsuit. Bought three more, and after she started her workouts again, she even felt comfortable enough drinking cocktails at the bar in her bikini.

She tried surfing but failed gloriously. And apparently, how it turned out, staying under the waves was a much more fitting thing for her to do.   
She was a natural talent in diving, got her free-diving license in record-time.

She saw a whale on her second trip. A shark on her third, a little white who was very curious. Hollis had never been a person to be scared about anyone or anything, but it still surprised her that she wasn’t the tiniest bit anxious as the predator came up to her group and eyed them in interested.

Her tour guide’s daughter who she had made friends with since they went out into the open water together almost every day, gave her a shark tooth one day. She turned it into a necklace, always wore it, even while sleeping – even though she was probably too old for that, she didn’t care.

Two weeks later she and Sayel, the guide, went alone – they saw two orcas. The people she had met all called her Holly – it was as if they ignored the “s”. And, Hollis admitted, now she really looked like a Holly. Actually … she looked completely different.   
She didn’t feel like a former Army soldier anymore – she felt and looked like a lokal. Sunkissed skin, blonde, long curly hair, a shark tooth around her neck, flip flops her daily choice of shoes. Sometimes she didn’t even wear normal clothes anymore, just her darkblue swim suit and a pareo around her hips.

The sun, the weather, the mentality, the shift of nature. All of it had an impact. All that lacked was … something for her brain to work and … a partner.   
A very specific one.

“Whats wrong?”, one of her closest, newest friends asked her one evening.   
“Nothing”, she lied. “Just my memories haunting me.”

She didn’t tell anyone about Jethro. Only her best friend Chris, her buddy, the man she had gotten through boot camp with, the man who knew more about her than anyone else did. Only he knew about the man she still loved, whom she had left _because _she loved him.

On some days she wondered _why _she even fell in love with him. He wasn’t really a guy one would call a prince charming, nor did he talk, nor was he romantic.   
But he was – apart from his past demons – honest. He was gentle. Trustworthy. If he tried, he _could _make her laugh. And overall he challenged her, and she challenged him, and they both understood when the other had to leave all of a sudden because the job required it.   
They had understood each other.   
At least … she had thought so.

Chris visited her after three months. Would stay with her for ten days. Just two best friends sharing time, catching up, going on hikes and do stupid stuff together, and for the first time in a long while she was truly happy.

Until he straightforwardly asked her why she was still clinging onto _him._ She didn’t have an answer for that.   
“Lis.” He was the only one to call her Lis. They were sitting by the seashore, it was late evening, waves crushing against the beach. “You need to make a decision. If you keep on living like this. Cut the rope or go back and try it out until …”  
“Until we end up screaming at it each and then I hate him?” She shook her head. “Maybe it will, maybe it wouldn’t.”   
“One thing for sure. You can’t go back to him after all this time and expect it to be the same. It will either be worse or …”  
“It WILL be worse”, she cut him off. “That’s why I’m still here.”  
Chris’ eyes were resting on her as he was watching her every move, trying to read her. “Something tells me you already made up your mind even though you cant speak it out loudly.”  
She bit her lip as she stared out into the dark, towards the ocean shore.   
“Then let me do it for you.” He placed his glass down and turned so he could look at her. “You won’t go back to him. Not voluntarily. Because you are afraid.”   
She signed in defeat. Yes, he did know her. He probably knew her better than she knew herself.   
“I’m a coward.”  
Out of the corner of her left eye she saw him shake his head. “You’re not a coward. You are anything but a coward. You did make a decision. Cowards don’t make decision. They are indecisive.”   
She didn’t answer because she didn’t know what. She agreed with him … and also didn’t. “Sorry for saying that but I have a feeling this guy is one.”   
“He’s wounded. That doesn’t make him a coward.”  
Chris eyed her. Firmly. “Is that so?”  
She released a breath of air. Now she knew she was getting frustrated. “I don’t know.”   
“I’m not forcing you to hate him, Lis. I know you, it doesn’t work like this for you.”   
She nodded. Again he was oh so right.

“So what do I do?” She hated the way her voice was trembling, but there wasn’t a chance of playing a part, not with him, never.   
“Honest answer?”  
For the first time since they had started talking about the Jethro-topic she looked at him fully. His eyes were warm, sympathetic and yet demanding. “You have to leave that part behind. I wish I could tell you how, believe me. Just … you need to stop thinking about him. Somehow you need to get rid of him.”  
“I thought I could.” She shook her head. “Not sure about that anymore.”  
It took Chris five seconds of silent thinking.   
“Think about yourself. Think about what YOU want.”  
She went through her hair. “That’s exactly the problem. I wanted to make it work.”  
He shook his head. She was admired by how well he was keeping it together. If she were him she would be fed up already.   
“Okay okay, we are spinning in circles here.”  
He took her hand and she unconsciously interlaced her fingers with his. “Hollis. You were never the type of woman who depended on a guy or planned her life around him. Stop doing that now. You are too old and smart for that.”  
“Oh thank you.” She snorted.   
But she knew he was right.   
“Maybe this whole Hawaii-relaxation-retirement thing was too much for you. You have too much time to think about private stuff right now.”  
“So what.” She gave him a look. “Your tip is to go back to work?”  
He tilted his head, not offended by her hissed tone. “Not necessarily. But you need something which … gives you a meaning of life.”   
Hu. He could have a point with that. “For example?”  
“Oh god Lis.” He laughed. “I think you can come up with something.” He turned towards her. “Tell me. What is something you always wanted?”   
“Apart from a horse when I was 15?”, she chuckled at the ridiculousness.   
“No, no laughing. Start with that. WE will start with that.” He squeezed her knee. “Tomorrow we will go looking for horse stables.”   
“Chris”, she began but he cut her off.   
“Nope.” He held up his hand. “Don’t you even dare to tell me this was a childish dream of yours. Apparently, it still is since you address it voluntarily.”  
“I am not going to buy a horse”, she stated.   
“I am not telling you to buy a horse. I’m telling you to live your dream. That’s what retirement is there for, right?”  
He gave her an encouraging look and she bit her lip, released it, not quite fond of admitting he was right _again_, but he was.   
“There has to be someone who owns horses and needs some help with those stubborn fourlegged things.” He gave her a cheeky grin. “Can’t wait to see you trying to boss a horse around and it not responding.”   
“Ha ha. Very funny.” She took another sip, it more was like three huge ones.

“The kids and Sally would like to see you some time. Come by whenever you find the time.” Smiling at the invitation she nodded. “I will. Definitely.  
How is Leila doing with her finals?”, she asked about his daughter.   
“Oh, complaining. But I know she’ll make it.” Her gave her a strange look. “She’s becoming more and more like you the day. Guess she spent too much time with you.”   
“Wow. Thanks for making it sound like an insult”, she snorted playfully.   
He laughed. “You know I love you, right?”   
She smiled widely. “Yeah. I do.”   
“Good.”  
He bumped against her still half full mojito with his own glass. “Now finish that thing so I can get you another one.”   
She gave him a raised eyebrow. “You wanna get me all drunk or what?”  
“I don’t want to get drunk and annoy some peaceful tourists alone.”   
She snorted. “I am not going to make out with you on this beach, thank you very much.”   
He squinted his face. “Ew god, no. I meant karaoke you dirty mind.”   
“We are too old for that.”  
“We know each other since we’re 13. Best friends are never too old for anything.”   
“I haven’t been singing since I started with CID”, she held against.  
He shrugged. “Don’t care. At least you look pretty.”   
Chuckling she shook her head. “You are nuts.”  
“I am not nuts. I have them.”  
Hollis rolled her eyes and downed her glass.

“Don’t worry”, he suddenly began singing. “About a thing.” He poked her arm. “Cause every little thing …”  
She signed and joined in, not able to keep up her stern, melancholic face. “Is gonna be alright.”   
„Singing'!“, he squeeled and lately now she was cracking up. „don't worry about a thing“  
„'Cause every little thing“ She snapped her fingers. „is gonna be alright“.

„What I’m saying is this. Cut yourself some slack, woman”, he smiled as they were getting up to walk back to the bar. “You’re not a colonel anymore, so … let the girl go wild.”   
„Oh god now he’s quoting madonna“, she rolled her eyes again.   
„Leila loves her. Cant help it.“   
„Yeah sure. Blame your daughter.“ She snickered and as their eyes fell onto each other, they both suddenly burst out laughing.

“Thank you for being here for me, Kirk. I mean it.”   
Kirk. That was her nickname for him because he loved the series, and he had forced to watch it with her, and – she still wondered – despite her usual taste in movies and series she kinda enjoyed the Star-Trek-Stuff.   
She leaned against his shoulder and he threw an arm around her, hanging loosely over her shoulders they were walking in synch. “Always, my Lenara.” He called her Lenara because she looked like her, he thought.

They had a never breaking bond. And maybe, just maybe, at least having one lifeline to hold on to would help her overcome whatever stone might come to lie in front her way in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep this was a lot friendship talk in here, it just developed and I wanted to see happy Hollis 😊


	19. HM

What the hell was she thinking.   
Why did she agree to take that case. She had known exactly it would lead her to NCIS.

As she was sitting in her car she wondered how the heck she had managed that day. A simple “Hey Jethro” and that was it.

Maybe she DID have two personalities. It seemed as if she was even better at shutting the emotional part off as soon as something work related came up than she had originally thought …   
She wasn’t sure if she liked it or not.

It had all happened so quickly … on one evening she was sitting on the beach with her best friend, contemplating what to do. Days later she spend 70 percent of her days on that horse farm they had chosen, became friends with the owners, got real close to a midnight black mare named Soyala who had been a real bitch at the beginning but then finally opened up to humans. She upskilled her former “horse qualities” until she was allowed to go out alone, riding bareback along the beach, feeling like good 20 years younger.

It had helped, Chris was right. She had something to do, something that challenged her.

Suddenly these three years weren’t so long after all, but she knew she had to get back, she couldn’t live like this for the rest of her life – it was TOO perfect.

She applied for jobs, got one at DoD, she looked for apartments back in Washington, and suddenly everything was settled – she said goodbye, again, promising to come back and keep in touch, though, and took the flight back to the mainland.

One year went by. Two years went by.

And then … she took the lead of that case. Knowing it could easily be the biggest mistake she would ever made or her greatest chance. If this was heaven’s call to give her the opportunity of apologizing and trying to clean her conscience, she would take it.

Because yes. She still felt guilty. She didn’t know what exactly she felt towards Jethro, but one thing she new. She owed him an apology, a personal one.   
And she wasn’t a coward. Not again. Not anymore, and never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry you guys for taking so long ... got semester break, but as usual, my head is full of a thousand ideas and I am really, really bad at finishing stories ...
> 
> All I can promise you is that I will not abandon this story :)


	20. Both

She was still beautiful. Something about her was different, though. It was as if the army had turned her into a different person, and since she wasn’t a LTC anymore, she seemed to have changed. She wasn’t so … bossy and untouchable anymore. Now she was just … normal.

But she wasn’t a “just”. Never had been, would never be. If she were a “just” his heart wouldn’t have run crazy as he saw her on the stairs.   
His heart and his insides wouldn’t have turned into a rollercoaster as he got into his car with her.

He thought back to their conversation …

_“Okay, we need to talk.”  
“About what?”  
“About this. You haven’t said a word to me since we got in the car, Jethro. It’s been six years, you must have something to say.”  
He looked at her, shrugged, then turned away again. “No. No I’m good.”   
“Hm.”  
“If you wanna talk you should’ve ride with DiNozzo.” _

_Silence. _

_“How was Hawaii?” He was aware of the way his voice didn’t do anything to conceal his … bad mood.  
She eyed him. Took her a while to answer. “Was beautiful. And … boring. Only so many perfect days a woman can take. I just had to get back to work.”   
He shrugged. “Could have chosen to work there. Or in California. Why return to Washington?”  
“I …” She had stammered. “DoD offered me a job. I took it. That was why I … had to come back.” He pursed her lip, jaw clenched. She seemed uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. “I would have called you, but …” The sentence was never finished.   
They both fell silent.   
“Yeah, you’re right. Silence is better.”_

And then she had come over and explained it to him. Why she left. And all he could say was “You should’ve just asked.”

He could see how deep that hurt her. He could see it in her eyes, at the way her head sunk, and because she wasn’t looking him straight in the eye for a few moments.

At least he didn’t let her go again. He would never, not again.

…

“So. Tell me. About Hawaii”, he said as they clicked glasses.   
Finally, she seemed to relax a bit more. “What would you like to know?”  
“What did ya do all the time? You spend like … four years there?”  
“Oh, where should I start.” She laughed and put a strand of hair behind her ear. She was wearing earrings, golden ones with pearls. “For the first months all I did was relax, meet new people, explore the island. Hiking and stuff. Looking for secret beaches and hidden lakes. I think I know Lanaii inside and out now.   
I received my diving license, then came in contact with a group of free divers.”   
He smirked, having no problem in imagining her in a wetsuit, swimming in the deep ocean, not scared about anything. “I can actually see you doing that.”   
“We went out together very often. I think I developed a massive love for sharks and rays.”   
He laughed.   
“What”, she said, eyes flickering with passion. “They are fascinating.”   
“Didn’t say anything.” Another smirk of his as he allowed himself to give her a onceover. “Just glad you got back in one piece.”  
“The sharks did less to me than the horse I was mostly spending my time with”, she chuckled into her glass.   
His eyebrow went up. “You bought a horse?”  
“No”, now it was her to laugh. “It was my friend’s idea. I worked on a farm. I learned a few horsemanship tricks and reawakened my love for these animals. Apparently that hobby endured over time since I still get along with them very well.”   
“From Colonel to horsetrainer.” He smirked. “That’s an interesting journey.”   
“It was a quite different challenge, but I enjoyed it. After a few months we got along very well. The horse and me, I mean.”  
Oh he was dying to see a picture of her. Hollis with a horse … not much to outmatch that.

But he didn’t ask. Maybe he would, one day.

“Well, as you know me, this wasn’t enough”, she went on. He had almost forgotten about how easy she was to get along with … “I became bored, again. And one day someone approached me and told me that he knows a guy who knows a guy who is friends with a lecturer at the university, so … I ended up teaching students as a kind of freelance guest lecturer about the skills and secrets of investigation, some social studies stuff, criminology, and spent some time with those who wanted to know more about the military.”

Why did the image of her standing in front of a huge audience, telling them about her passion, awakened something within him?  
He was more than sure that she had left a very permanent picture in the head of these future law enforcement guys. Guys as well as females.

“That necklace. Did you get it there?”  
She smiled warmly. “Uh, yeah.” Her hand went up to touch the golden charm. “The woman working at the farm gave it to me as a … good bye present.”   
“It’s nice. That a feather?”  
“Is this you trying to do small talk?”, she smirked.   
“Try to.”   
“You’re doing well.” She gave him a gently kick with her shoe. “She said Soyala originally was a wild mustang. A native Hawaiian so to speak. And since feathers are a sign of natives … she thought it fit.”   
“Sweet.”   
A wide grin spread out on her face. “I think I never heard you say that word ever before.”

And suddenly she chuckled as if a funny memory came over her.   
“What?”, he asked.   
“Oh.” She shook her head. “I just thought back to Amy’s horrified face the moment I asked her if I could try to work with Soyala.” A laugh. ““If you wanna sign your death sentence, honey, sure.”” She spread her arms. “Well, here I am. Still alive, and little nightmare turned into a pretty good horse.”

…

They talked some time more, she even got him to talk about what had happened in the past years at NCIS – the Ziva topic was left out, and he appreciated her for not asking. She asked about Bishop instead, carefully drawing a line around the sensitive Ziva-topic. He even told her about Jimmy and Breena. She asked about Ducky, promised to visit him. Yeah, he remembered with a smile, these two had gotten along well from the first minute. Ducky was a charmer and Hollis, kinda, was too. There were vibrating on the same level, somehow, it was fascinating.

At the end of the evening he knew that he probably appreciated her even more, and he hated himself for not realizing it earlier … for not having realized it six years ago.

He walked her to the door. As she turned around for a final goodbye, they were standing closer than they had done the whole day, and he could neither stop nor ignore the heavy pounding of his heart.

Their faces were inches apart. So close that he could easily lean in and kiss her forehead, or her cheek, or her lips.   
And then she cleared her throat and the bubble burst. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She let her hand glide across his arm, gave him a smile which was suddenly … different.   
Reluctant. Almost scared.

This night, in a very long time, the reason he could barely fall asleep were green eyes which weren’t exactly green, that smile that wasn’t really there because it was hiding something, and the constant feeling that only proved one thing.

That he had never stopped loving her.

*

“You should’ve just asked.”

She did. She DID ask. And he didn’t tell her.   
Maybe Chris was right … as they had talked on the phone, one evening when she couldn’t take it anymore and just needed to rage and rant and cry ugly, stupid tears.

“He didn’t deserve you, Hollis, it’s only good you left.”

Did he? Did he really not deserve her? She wanted to believe it, had tried to believe it. But now she knew that she had only tricked her mind, not her heart.

Was this really worth it?

She knew she was in the right. She had asked him, he had shut off. Nevertheless she had apologized at that, because for her, saying sorry was a sign of strength. She was demanding and had no problem in showing others when she was in the right, but as soon as she realized she probably weren’t, she apologized. If it was to a private of two weeks or a General. Ranks didn’t matter, people were people, and everyone deserved being treated as a human being.

She apologized because … she was sorry for what she did after that. For leaving without giving him a last chance.

But … was it really worth it?

After his “I’m good” she knew he was pissed. The way he had said “Hawaii” proved it.   
He was pissed at her, angry for strolling in like nothing had changed … and she absolutely understood him. Hell, she would have given him hell on earth if HE had pulled that number on HER.

She wanted to redeem herself. She wanted, needed clearance.

Living in the same city with him, she just had to take the chance. That was why she did what she did. Why she took that investigation, why she agreed to this.

She had known, even before driving her car onto the parking lot, had known it would be painful for both of them, but some day their paths would have crossed no matter what, it was just a question of time.

And overall … she wanted to see him. She had to make sure he was okay.

This evening in her bed she broke down, crying.   
Again. Wondering if this vicious circle would ever end.


End file.
